You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
