you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
