Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
