just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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