I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
