Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
