matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
