at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
