nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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