We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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