I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
