i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We just shotgunned beers for America
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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