I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize