I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
