Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
