i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
