my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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