I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
