I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
