i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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