allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
