At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You may now shotgun with the bride
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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