We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
