Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Your penis caused this!
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