i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
