I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
