Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
