oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
