i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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