go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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