at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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