I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
