You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
