life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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