I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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