whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
