I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize