what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
