One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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