It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
