Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
