I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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