Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Two words: nipple clamps
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