Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Success! We fucked roommates!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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