just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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