What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
