Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
