Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
