I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
