He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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