Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
