In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize