Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
