He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
