i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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