So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
