I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
