I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
3 2 1 whiskey
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
