I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Randomize
