I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize