I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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