Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
