Got a toothbrush?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
my shit smells like andre
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
