I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
