my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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