Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
