i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
