Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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